Day 3 - Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

This is a hard one. Not because I can't think of anything. I know exactly what I'm going to say. But putting it out there for others to see. That's the hard part. Even though I only know of two people who read this blog and I know who both of those people are... it's still hard. Thank you Corinne, who started this before me. Thanks for having the courage to put the truth out there for me to see. I will use you as an example and learn from your courage. Here it goes...

I kissed a man.

Sounds pretty simple. Not too bad, and I know several people who would say that "oh that's nothing" but it feels like I'm taking a cheese grater to my heart every time I think of it. It was years ago, while I was still depressed. I was making some bad decisions... SEVERAL bad decisions. I mean - I was depressed, nothing made sense, even the things that made sense didn't make sense... you know? Well... unless you've experienced depression, you don't know. And I don't know whether you have or not. I was definitely dating Devon at the time... and I kissed another man. It was the pivotal point in our relationship when things turned around. "It's always darkest before the dawn." We almost broke up and God didn't like that one bit. He gave me a miracle. Things turned around... LIFE turned around. We have since worked through it. (obviously! check the ring!)

I don't know how long it's going to take me to forgive myself for that. Because I know I was depressed and not thinking clearly... but I'm still the one who did that and I'm the one who hurt Devon so much. I'm the one who has to remember the look on his face... I have nightmares about it sometimes and I wake up crying. No, I still think I'm a far cry from forgiving myself. I do, however, have hope that one day with God's help, I will be able to. That would be nice.

And yes, I know I haven't gone to bed yet, but technically, it IS Sunday so I'm doing today's post now! Take that!