Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day 10 - Someone You Need To Let Go Or Wish You Didn't Know

I wish I didn't know Mean Meat Cutter Mike. He swears too much. So does the rest of the meat department but if something upsets him (and there's ALWAYS something upsetting him) he goes on these long rants of just swears. I'm not saying I have the cleanest language out there, but really, there's a point when it gets to be just WAY too much.

And he also thinks that age equals maturity. So if you're younger than him... and I'm pretty sure I'm close to 30 years younger than him... and you tell him he swears too much, he's going to go on a self righteous rampage about how someone "your age" has no business talking to him about etiquette. Needless to say, I know this for a fact, because it happened. And then, the next time I worked on the same day as me - you're going to love this - he suddenly had to go home early. He was working 10-7 and I was working 12-9. I showed up at 12 and he was limping really bad and had to go home. I, by this point, had forgotten all about our little 'spat' and was genuinely concerned that he was in pain. After he left, I was told by everyone that he was perfectly fine until I showed up. HE LEFT WORK BECAUSE I WAS THERE AND HE THINKS SOMEONE MY AGE IS LESS MATURE THAN HIM?! Like really... come on now, grow up.

And he's ALWAYS angry. There's a reason we call him Mean Meat Cutter Mike. He gets angry if there's music playing (and there's always music over the intercom), he gets angry if you whistle or hum or sing, he gets angry if you're in his way or if a customer talks to him or if the hose isn't wrapped properly on it's hook... And I completely forgot what I was saying... oh well. Wish I didn't know him.


Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day 9 - Someone You Didn't Want To Let Go, But Just Drifted

Jamie Nicholson. She was my best friend in the whole world and moved away in like Grade 3. We kept in touch, visiting every summer when she'd come back to visit her dad. But she lived far away... and I wasn't a big phone person. And now she's out in Ottawa or something and she came back for a visit... we kept saying we should get together... but we just... didn't. It's not that it wouldn't have been manageable... we could have made it work. We're both very different people than we were in Grade 3. But still... I miss her.

Day 8 - Someone Who Made Your Life Hell or Treated You Like Shit

Oops. I forgot to do this yesterday. So here it is.


There were a lot of people who treated me bad in school... namely EVERYONE in my class. School sucked. And I'm SO not even going to go into details about that. I, however, treated myself worse than they ever did. I let myself believe that they were right. That I was a loser, a loner, not worth the effort. I let myself believe that my family didn't love me (even though my mind always knew they did, my heart didn't) and that I didn't matter. All of the worst memories I have are times when I didn't believe in myself, when I didn't defend myself against those other mean people. It was like I expected someone else to do it for me. People won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. A lesson well learned.

So yeah... I'm glad I'm not so mean to myself anymore. I hated me. Now I love me. Yay me!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 7 - Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living

Easy. Devon. Mom. Dad. Any of my brothers and sisters. Each of them in their own way but all still vitally important. And most importantly... me. If I wasn't around, then my life wouldn't be worth living because it wouldn't be my life. So... yeah. That's about it for this one.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Multitasker

I'm a multi-tasker. Which apparently isn't a word. Damn you, little red squiggle line. But this post isn't about my multitasking. (Which IS a word. No little red squiggle there.) This post itself is the multitask. Many things in one post... because I don't feel like making separate posts for them.

Reason #1 for this post:
I would like to thank everyone who has been reading and commenting on my posts. This 30 Days of Truth thing has been difficult for me and I'm glad to find that the people I'm close to don't hate me for some of the things I've been saying. I have to say that that was a definite fear of mine. So thank you for taking the time to offer encouraging and non-condemning words to me. I appreciate it.

Reason #2 for this post:
I just want to say how PROUD I am of myself for doing the 30 Days of Truth. I have always tried to be honest with myself but putting that honesty out there for other people to see isn't anywhere near as easy. I am proud of how courageous I have been and love how freeing it is to do this.

Reason #3 for this post:
I'm going to attempt to start work on two of my 101 in 1001 goals today:

18. Drink nothing but water for a week.


19. Go 30 consecutive days without eating any fast food (including pizza) or junk food (candy, chocolate, chips, pop, etc.)

Wish me luck.

And as Devon, Moe, and Stewie would say... "Oh no, Brian! Ooooooooh nooooo! Brian!"

Day 6 - Something You Hope You Never Have To Do

Live without Devon.

Just thinking about it makes me feel lost and start to cry. Really... tearing up already and I haven't even typed a full sentence yet. The only reason I can think of that I would EVER have to live without Devon would be that he died. It's the only way we'd be permanently apart. And I just... don't think I would cope with that very well...

'Nuff Said.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 5 - Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

Everyone has hopes and dreams. What are mine? Some would say they are simple dreams. Easy to accomplish. But while they may seem inevitable because of the current road my life is on, I wouldn't say they're going to be easy.

Once I'm married, I want to have kids. I want to be a good mother to those kids. I want to be a good wife. To have the respect of my children even if that only comes once they're all grown up. I know that I fought with mom when I was younger, but now that we're all older we all realize just how right she was.

So I guess that's it. I hope to become a mother like my mother was. Becoming a mother seems inevitable. But whether or not I can compare to my mother... that's what I'm really hoping for.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Day 4 - Something You Need To Forgive Someone For

Okay so I've thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and... you get the idea.

I don't have anything serious to forgive anyone for. I tried and tried to think of something, but there really isn't anything. So... I started thinking of the less important people in my life. I came up with Edwin.

Edwin used to be my supervisor at Superstore. He was a nice enough guy to talk to. But a horrible supervisor. He actually pulled me away from my work a few times to complain about other employees. Like, what? But the thing I still get upset about when I think about (which I took to indicate needing to forgive him for) was when I was sick one day. Throwing up sick. Not good sick. I called in sick and he told me to come in anyway. When I said I couldn't, he said that the next time I asked for a day off or something that he was say no because I was saying no to him about coming in to work. LIKE OH MY F***ING GOD IF YOU REALLY WANT ME PUKING ON THE STEAKS THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO SELL... GAH! Okay... so he hasn't been forgiven. Maybe one day I'll just forget about it and that shall be his forgiveness. Needless to say I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that he's not my supervisor anymore. He went over to Co-op lol

There Gayle, I finished now, are you happy? You can read it before going to bed :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day 3 - Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

This is a hard one. Not because I can't think of anything. I know exactly what I'm going to say. But putting it out there for others to see. That's the hard part. Even though I only know of two people who read this blog and I know who both of those people are... it's still hard. Thank you Corinne, who started this before me. Thanks for having the courage to put the truth out there for me to see. I will use you as an example and learn from your courage. Here it goes...

I kissed a man.

Sounds pretty simple. Not too bad, and I know several people who would say that "oh that's nothing" but it feels like I'm taking a cheese grater to my heart every time I think of it. It was years ago, while I was still depressed. I was making some bad decisions... SEVERAL bad decisions. I mean - I was depressed, nothing made sense, even the things that made sense didn't make sense... you know? Well... unless you've experienced depression, you don't know. And I don't know whether you have or not. I was definitely dating Devon at the time... and I kissed another man. It was the pivotal point in our relationship when things turned around. "It's always darkest before the dawn." We almost broke up and God didn't like that one bit. He gave me a miracle. Things turned around... LIFE turned around. We have since worked through it. (obviously! check the ring!)

I don't know how long it's going to take me to forgive myself for that. Because I know I was depressed and not thinking clearly... but I'm still the one who did that and I'm the one who hurt Devon so much. I'm the one who has to remember the look on his face... I have nightmares about it sometimes and I wake up crying. No, I still think I'm a far cry from forgiving myself. I do, however, have hope that one day with God's help, I will be able to. That would be nice.

And yes, I know I haven't gone to bed yet, but technically, it IS Sunday so I'm doing today's post now! Take that!

Day 2 - Something You Love About Yourself

First, I would like to congratulate myself for actually coming back to do this today. Go me!

And as for LOVE... I love Devon. I love my family and friends. But what is it that I love about myself? Good question.

I like that I'm artistic. That I'm a good listener and a good friend. But I suppose what I love is that I am not perfect. I'm a work in progress and I know it, so I keep striving to be better. To try new things. I'm willing to attempt the previously unknown, to go out of my comfort zone with the hopes that I will get better, get closer to what God wants me to be. I wasn't always that way and I am so proud of myself that I was able to come as far as I have. God helped me, I know I didn't go it alone.

So yeah... I love that I'm always willing to work on myself rather than being one of those people who expects the world to change for me.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Hmm... what do I hate about myself? At one point, it would have been easy to answer... and I would have had a very long list. But now... hmm...

I HATE how lazy I am. It's like... I know I have things that I need to do and I know that I'll never be able to do the things I want to do if I don't get the things I need to do done first. And yet... I sit on the computer. I play games. I read. I do anything and everything that will prevent me from accomplishing anything.

Hmm... and it only took me a couple minutes to find something. I was expecting it to take me much longer than that.

Well there we go. Day one complete. Fin. The End. Period. Exclamation point. Question mark. Apostrophe. Comma. Ampersand. Dollar sign. Slash. Back slash. Bracket. Semi colon.

30 Days of Truth

So apparently I have no idea how Corinne organized her Blog the way she did so I'm going to just make a separate post for this.

30 Days of Truth

Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 - Something you love about yourself
Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life
Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do
Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why?
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Because Corinne Said So...

Well, Corinne demanded an update and so now that I finally remember what my password is, I figure I'll try. There's no guaranteeing that it will go past this single update, but here it is.

I have been inspired.

This seems like such a simple statement, but it is in fact, SO much bigger than that.

I have been inspired to work on my Mary Kay business. I love the women I have met in it and Monday night is officially my FAVORITE night of the week! I have so much fun spending time with the wonderful people who have also found Mary Kay that it just makes sense to use it as a business. Do I believe I will be instantly successful? No. Do I even believe that I can be successful at all? Well, I believe that I will one day be able to believe. But I know that I can not do it if I don't work on it. And I was looking around at Superstore the other day and realized that there's no way that's what I was meant to be doing. And so I was inspired.

I have been inspired to eat healthier. I know that I do not need to lose weight. But I can't believe that I am a completely healthy person. Even in the short time since Devon, Moe and I moved in with Danielle and Sara I have gotten used to seeing healthier foods around and just... don't want grease. I don't want instant foods or frozen meals... I want real food. Which means cooking. I made my own chicken broth the other day! It didn't turn out as well as I hoped, but it definitely wasn't bad. I just have to quit being so lazy... but still. I have been inspired.

I have been inspired to be more organized. If you could see my room right now, you wouldn't believe me. But, in my defense, I had many more boxes stored in mom's house than I thought I did and it's taking me quite a while to sort through everything. I'll get there though. And then the trick will be to just keep it there. The inspiration continues.

I have been inspired to love more, to be more humble, to do better at showing my faith in God, and to not sweat the small stuff. Yes, this is a big one. Now, you may be wondering why this hasn't come up yet in this post, but I got engaged on the 27th of December, 2010. Devon and I are going to get married on August 4th, 2012. (4/8/12 for those of you who like number patterns) Since getting engaged I have done preliminary wedding planning... basically, figuring out what needs to get planned but not actually planning any of it. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that it just doesn't matter. So what if the flowers aren't exactly what I'm envisioning. So what if the pictures don't turn out as well as I'd like. I love Devon for all that he is. And he loves me for all that I am. Imperfections and all. I am so... blessed in every area of my life. I am not bragging, nor am I trying to make anyone else feel as if their lives aren't as good. I am simply stating what I feel. If you don't like it, don't read my blog. I have a very large amazing family who loves me even when they don't understand me. I have very good friends (who I'm either related to, soon to be related to, or are people I met through Mary Kay). I know that no matter what happens, no matter where I am, I will have someone I can reach out to whether it is because I'm in need of comfort or because I'm so happy I'm going to burst if I don't share. I have so many people to love me, it occurred to me that I may not be doing as good at showing my love for them as I should. And I look around at all of this, the people and opportunities that God has given me... and I realized that God has a plan for me. Even if that plan is only to reach out and touch one person's life, he has a plan. And I am SO humbled by that thought. I nearly had a panic attack when I thought it. "Oh no, what do I do? How do I do it? Oh I hope I do whatever it is that He wants me to do and that I do it as good as He wants me to do it and..." Well God isn't going to just tell me what it is. He has a plan and I must trust in Him. Okay, I can do that. At least I'll try. And after all, that's what it's all about right? Trying to do the best with what we have. And finally, don't sweat the small stuff. This kinda loops back to the beginning with the wedding preparations. It doesn't matter. Focus on love and you'll be okay. I have been inspired to walk with God and to trust in him to pick me up should I fall.

And I have been inspired by first Corinne, and then Gayle to be more honest. Both of them are doing the 30 Days of Truth. And now I will too. Stay tuned for those posts :)

Well Corinne, it may not be what you expected, but what do you think? Is this a good enough update? lol