Monday, April 18, 2011

Day 01 - Your Favorite Song

This may surprise some people, but this song has been my favorite song for years and years. I often sing it when I'm alone and have some quiet time to myself. I personally prefer the version in the CBW II (song book at church) because that's where I learned it from. But still, an amazing song no matter how it's sung.

Amazing Grace:

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Day 30 - A Letter To Yourself, Tell Yourself EVERYTHING You Love About Yourself

I think this is going to be the most fun out of all the Days of Truth!

Dear me,

So I am writing to you today to tell you how much I love you. It took us a while to get to this point, I know but here we are! And because I know you so well, I know that it will make more sense to both you and me if I put this in point form instead of writing it out in paragraphs. So here we go.

- I love how you always insist on seeing the good in people. Even people you "don't like" you are willing to admit that there are certain good qualities about them.

- I love how you're willing to work on yourself rather than trying to force others to change to accommodate you. Like your laziness... you don't make your customers come to your house to get their free facials - you go to theirs. That's just an example, we both know there are more things that you're working on on a daily basis.

- I love that you managed to find the perfect fit for you. I know Devon is not you, but I still am putting in here that you did a good job when you found him. Go you.

- I love that you always do your best to be nice to people and when you're angry, you always try to find a diplomatic solution. I like that you are logical and reasonable and can usually find a compromise that works for everyone involved.

- I love that you love to bake! Yay yummy sugar cookies! I love cookies.

- I love that you're artistic and even though you don't sit down to draw as often as you used to, you still adore it. It's like a best friend who's moved away. Even though you don't see each other often, you're always so happy when you do actually get together.

- I am so proud of you for working on your Mary Kay business. The Mary Kay dream is a good one and when you first started out, it seemed that you were just going to keep dreaming instead of actually working towards that dream. So proud of you for actually trying to achieve your goals. The only real failure is when you've never tried at all.

And I would go on and on and on... except I can't think of anything more at this moment. So please continue being awesome and thank you for being you!

~.~ Me ~.~

Well, I was right. That was really fun. Yay for complimenting yourself!

Day 29 - Something You Wish To Change About Yourself and Why

First I'd like to apologize to those of you who read my blog, I haven't posted in a few days, I've been busy lately and when I haven't been busy, I've been vegging and restoring my energy so I can be busy some more. Anywho...

Day 29

I would like to change how lazy I am. I am sooooooooooooo extremely lazy. And shy/scared. Now these two things seem very separate but wait until I explain how they link together. Two words for you - Mary Kay. Surprise, surprise, she's talking about Mary Kay again!

For example, I have to phone people to ask them if they'd like to receive a free facial. Being lazy doesn't help, I just never pick up the phone. But even when I do stop being lazy and pick up the phone, I have to force myself to not chicken out. It's scary just phoning people you've never met before and what if they say no? Okay, well I've learned that them saying no isn't a big deal but some of them can be really rude! And just knowing that they might be rude scares me into not wanting to phone.

So first I don't want to phone because I'm lazy and then I don't want to phone because I'm chicken. Chicken is delicious by the way. It's not helpful at all.

But, I'm working on not being lazy because like I said at the beginning of my post, I've been busy lately and that's because I managed to fight through the laziness and the shyness and the fear. I called a whole bunch of people and handed out my business card to people I saw when I went to the grocery store and I've had all sorts of appointments out of it. Busy busy.

Anyway, that's what I want to change and I'm obviously working on it. Go me!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Testing, Testing, Mary Kay

Okay, so I've never put a picture in a post before, so this is my testing post. And I'm going to talk a little bit about my Mary Kay too. Because that's what my testing pictures are from.

Picture number one:

So this is my goal board... from January. You see on the left where it says January? Yeah... January. Anyway then there are all the little stick girls. Those indicate the number of facials, makeovers, and/or foot spas that I would like to complete before the end of the month (January in case you've forgotten). Once I complete a facial, makeover, or foot spa, I get to color in the skirt on a stick girl. I don't have any colored in here because this was the beginning of the month and I had just finished drawing my poster. On the right of the board you see a little line with numbers by it. That's my thermometer. To keep track of the amount of sales I have done starting at the beginning of January. Each number represents $100 in sales. This is not total earned profit after any discounts and after the money that must go back into my business so my business doesn't go bankrupt... this is just total retail product sold. I'm excited to see how fast I can fill up that thermometer!

And now picture number two:

This is me! I've got my makeup all done up and I'm wearing my Mary Kay Beauty Coat with my name pin and a couple other pins. This was this morning after I got home from giving a nice lady a facial. :)

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, if I got Devon pregnant, I'd probably be devastated... I mean - what would YOU do if you suddenly found out you were a guy and your fiance was a girl instead of the other way around? Definitely would not be cool.

But if I got pregnant? Devon and I would both go into super save mode. We wouldn't go out to eat or to the movies or anything. We would work hard, take extra hours every opportunity we got. Would we postpone the wedding? It's a possibility. Although I could technically have my kid and be in fine shape by the time our wedding date came around. But while it would be far less than ideal, it wouldn't be one of those "end of the world" scenarios. Less than ideal for our plans, but still not the end of the world.

I would just like to let you all know that I definitely DO NOT intend to get pregnant before the wedding. Just so you know.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day 27 - What's The Best Thing Going For You Right Now?

I'm engaged to the bestest man alive! And I'm working on building a great business that I love! But really the best thing is my bestest man. (Awww soooooo sappy!!!!!)

Shortest. Post. Ever.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Days 24, 25, and 26


... but seriously. I have no idea. Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) It's just not going to happen. I don't think in terms of music and can't figure out a single song that I would send to someone for any specific reason other than I think they would like it. At which point I may as well just say, "I'm sending Devon every ACDC song ever written," and leave it at that.


Day 25 - The Reason You Believe You're Still Alive Today.

There are many. Because I keep breathing and eating and doing what I need to survive is the most practical one. Because God loves me is the next big one. Other than that... it's pretty much just a compilation of life in general. I haven't died, therefore I'm still alive.


Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. When I was depressed. Because I was depressed. It's one of those things that's hard to explain. When I was depressed, I felt things that made no sense, it was what they call an emotional roller coaster except imagine being on a roller coaster for years on end... it gets sickening... like... let's just jump out of the damn thing and get it over with. But even though I was having all these crazy emotions, I KNEW they were wrong that they didn't make sense. I've always been a very logical person. And I KNEW my parents loved me and I KNEW my family loved me and I KNEW that Devon loved me. Yet it didn't FEEL that way... why I still don't know. And some people who are very empathetic will say that they understand and to a certain point they do... but for the most part... there's no way they can understand unless they've been through depression themselves. It doesn't make sense. It just is. Blah... what a bad topic to go to bed to.

So... better topic... um... I finally caught up on my Mary Kay paperwork today and realized that even though I haven't really been trying I've sold over $1100 in product! Go me! Now I'm actually going to try lol

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Day 23 - Something You Wish You Had Done In Your Life.

I wish I had learned to dance when I was younger. No - really. I'm serious. It stresses me out that I don't know how to dance. I figured after taking a year of ballroom dancing, I'd be used to moving my feet a little... but no. I still suck. I was actually talking about this with my roommate Sara like an hour ago.

It also doesn't help that I was in air cadets for 7 years and in band as well. When I play clarinet, my foot taps ON THE BEAT and when marching, you step in a steady cadence. And I compounded my problems by being in band AND cadets... at the same time. Marching band. Woot. (Not a word, by the way.) I just CAN'T move my feet the way they're supposed to move. The only dancing I can do is the macarena, the chicken dance, and slow dancing where all you do is sway from side to side. And that hurts my hips and they get stiff and sore. Joy.

So yeah, it's really annoying. I remember at cadet dances, back when guys actually used to ask me to dance, it was just embarrassing to say yes because I just couldn't do it and they either thought it was hilarious (which hurt the feelings) or they felt bad for me (which also hurt the feelings by the way). So I quit saying yes. And I pulled back and pushed people away. Something I used to do all the time. So yeah... not cool. Wish I knew how to dance.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day 22 - Something You Wish You Hadn't Done In Your Life

I wish I hadn't been so mean to my mother when I was younger. People say "oh he/she is just being a teenager" but that's bullshit. I was horrible to my mother and there's no way I can erase the pain I caused her in the past. It happened, and I have to live with that. As always though, I try to work hard, toward the future. To better myself and to be nicer to people. I love my mom and always have, there's no excuse for how mean I was.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 21 - Scenario

Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I would probably first, find out how bad it was. I would learn details, where, what happened, is she still alive? If she is, how badly is she injured? Etc. As long as I had something to do, I would do it. Go sit in the hospital with her if possible. If I was told I had to just stay home and wait to listen... I would probably curl up in Devon's lap and cry until I was all cried out and then just sit there, soaking in his comfort. Seriously. As long as there's something to do I can keep my cool... but give me nothing to do and I break down.

What a horrible scenario.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 20 - Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol

They're bad. I mean - unless you consider antibiotics and pain killers as drugs at which point, they can be bad, but they can also be good. Like when I was in the hospital with a burst cyst on my ovaries... Morphine was my friend. But I know some people who say Marijuana is fine... I disagree. Any mind altering substance is bad. I mean - there are anti-depression pills and stuff like that for people who have actual chemical imbalances in their brains but for the most part it's bad. Which includes alcohol.

Alcohol makes you act differently than when you're sober. Some people say that you can't blame them for what they do when they're drunk because they were drunk and didn't know what they were doing. Well I blame them anyway. You have the choice as to whether or not you drink and therefore choosing not to get drunk is the same as choosing to be in control of your actions. ESPECIALLY if you've been drunk often enough that you KNOW how you get when you're drunk. We've all heard the classic descriptions of drunk people: The happy drunk, the angry drunk, the flirty drunk, etc. If you know you get angry and violent when you're drunk and you choose to get drunk anyway... DAMN RIGHTS I'm going to blame you for your actions when you're drunk! And then there are the people who say they "like" to drink. Okay. You like to drink. So do I. I drink Iced Tea usually. Sometimes water and sometimes pop. I drink a lot, but I choose drinks that don't impair my mind. People say that beer is an "acquired" taste. Do you know what that means? It's gross, but you wanted to drink (most likely because that's what everyone else was doing, although there ARE exceptions to this rule) and so you drank it until you got used to it. And now you can tell what the "good" kinds are and what the "bad" kinds are or if a specific beer is supposed to be good but the batch must have been bad.

Now, before I write an essay and a half, I'm going to stop there and just say that I'm not saying people should never have a drink in their lives because alcohol is bad period. You had a long day at work and want to come home and have a cold beer? Sure. An old friend happens to be in town and you wanna go out for a few drinks? Sure. But be willing to take responsibility for your actions! And if you know you're an angry of violent drunk... DON'T GET DRUNK! Really. Seriously people. It doesn't seem that hard to me.

But anyway, I'm going to stop here before I continue to rant and you get bored of reading. And never come back. That would make me sad. I may cry. Just so you know.

Have a good day everyone!

Day 19 - Religion and Politics

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding this question. I don't really have an opinion on politics. Most politicians are terrible... but that could just be a stereotype... I don't really pay attention.

And as for religion, I could write pages upon pages upon pages of my beliefs and still not properly describe them in a way that you would understand. So I won't. General ideas on religion however, is that I don't think anyone's religion is wrong as long as it has rules like "Don't kill" and The Golden Rule. In general, if you believe in a benevolent God (or Gods I suppose) then good for you. The thing about religion is that it's faith... we don't KNOW as in have physical PROOF that anyone's God exists... we simply believe. And while I have my own views, yours may be similar but not exactly like mine and that other person over there may think we're both completely nuts and has their own views. I believe that God is everywhere, in everything, and in everyone. Which means - that God IS present in other people's faith... Like I said: I believe as long as your God is a benevolent God... then my belief is that he is the same God as mine. God appears to us in the ways and forms that we need him to to help us be good people, kind people, people who do everything we can for others and to stay true to the good and righteous path God has drawn out for us. As long as you try your best to do what is best and don't judge or persecute anyone else... well... as far as I'm concerned you're good to go.

And I bet that you'll read this and go "well I can see what she's saying" but I bet I didn't write it out properly and you THINK you know what I'm saying, but you're off. I never can explain my religious views properly... Oh well.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Goal Accomplished and Exercise!

Okay, so I finished my week of drinking nothing but water and then extended it because I had a sore throat and was trying to stave off a cold. I'm feeling fine today other than the occasional clearing of throat. Go me.

My eating healthy thing is still going quite well, I'm proud of myself. Today is day... umm... runs off to find day planner ... 13! Over 1/3 of the way done now. Wow, who'd have thought I'd get that far without missing my fast food? I miss deserts a little, but not too bad.

Now, for the big super awesome reason for this post:


You see, it all started when Danielle and I went to a bridal show. She won a free year's membership at Fitness for 10. A gym on 8th street that costs - you guessed it - 10 bucks a month. While I did not win anything, I got a free pass to go to the gym. So on Friday, Feb. 4th, I took my free pass and Danielle and I went to the gym. I enjoyed it.

Now, just to make sure you got the right idea from this - it was fun. I wasn't thinking about exercising or reps or what time it was. I was just plain having fun. I kind of just followed Danielle around the gym. Treadmill for about half an hour and then we were checking out a couple of the other machines. There have been times in the past where I exercised and it wasn't bad. I wasn't frustrated or anything. I just kinda went and did my thing and then it was over. Even yoga, which I found thoroughly relaxing while making my muscles burn wasn't quite as enjoyable as this. During yoga I was calm, relaxed, focused. I often took the time to pray during class and if it wasn't so darned expensive, I would still be taking it. But this... gave me the same happy feeling that sitting down to play a good videogame or read a good book gives me. Better, even! Content, fun times. Except instead of being lazy, I'm being active! Go me!

So pretty much on Friday, I walked in with a free pass and walked out with a membership. That's how awesome I felt.

Today I went to the gym by myself. I was worried at first that I might not enjoy it as much because Danielle wasn't there to visit with. I felt a little awkward climbing up onto the treadmill next to a girl who pretty much jogged for what seemed like an hour. She was jogging when I got there and she got off the treadmill only like 5 minutes before I did. Crazy jogger lady. Anyway, I felt a little awkward but within a few minutes I was in my own little zone, enjoying the movement, watching the machine tell me how fast I was going and how far I had gone. I really need an I-pod or something now though because the sounds of all the machines was kinda drowning out the music they had playing. Oh well, not a necessity though, so that's just a different thought.

So all in all today, I did just over 3 miles on the treadmill. I was alternating walking and jogging and it took me about 41 minutes to get to 3 miles. I was at almost 43 minutes by the time I did my cool down though. I also had it at a 2% incline the entire time though and I did 315 vertical feet by the end of it. I'm pretty impressed with myself. After that, I went to the machine that I found on Friday that I absolutely LOVE. It's an assisted chin up/assisted dip machine. You choose how much weight it assists you with and then proceed. I put it on 80lbs assistance and proceeded to alternate through dips and chin ups until my arms were really tired. Then I went to the crunch/sit up machine thingy that Danielle showed me and did 10. Then 5. Then 5. Then I was exhausted - those things are hard when you do them properly! I was going to go back to the assisted chin ups machine then, but another lady was using it so I went to another machine that seemed similar for a short while.

I was wondering when I got home whether or not I would feel my exercise tomorrow and I can already tell that I will. I have been sitting down for less than an hour but when I got up to get myself something to eat, I could already feel it. Tomorrow is going to suck. Oh well, it's a start :)

Day 18 - Your Views On Gay Marriage.

I don't have a problem with gay marriage exactly. I believe that God is love and he made us to love. Who cares if the person you love is the same sex as you? Everyone deserves love in any form.

My problem, exactly, is not with gays being in love and being together... but in the changing of a definition. Marriage itself was defined as between a man and a woman. Make up a new word, maybe, so gays can be unified. And it's not just the word 'marriage'. Any word that gets a change in definition bugs me.

But yeah, love who you want, love them with all your heart.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 17 - A Book You Read That Changed Your Views on Something

Something Big Has Been Here.

It's nothing special, a book I used to read when I was little. A compilation of poems, all silly and funny. It showed me that poetry is whatever you want it to be. You can be quirky and funny or slow and serious, quick and light... whatever. And in extension... all art can be whatever you want it to b. It's art and it's perfect in all forms. Yay art! lol

Day 16 - Someone or Something You Could Definitely Live Without

Other than the fact that I'm not as financially stable as I wish I was... I could DEFINITELY live without Superstore. The thought of going to work makes me tired and frustrated and it's like I don't even have to be there for 2 hours, but it just... ruins my day. When someone asks me about where I work, I have to fight not to groan and start complaining.

Day 15 - Something or Someone You Couldn't Live Without, Because You've Tried Living Without It

I can't live without doing some kind of art. Whether it's taking a picture or drawing one. I've gone long periods of time without doing art and once I started back up, I was soooooooo much happier.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day 14 - A Hero That Has Let You Down (Letter)

Dear Hero,

We used to spend so much time together. What happened? I respected you, looked up to you, was there for you as you were there for me. It wasn't so long ago that we couldn't stand not being in touch. Now I try to get in touch with you and you do not respond. You don't email me back or anything. You've gotten a new phone since we last saw each other and I wasn't given the number. I know that people often grow apart, I just didn't think it would happen to us. I just... well I guess I thought you wanted to be a part of my life as much as I wanted to be a part of yours.

You were always strong, like I wanted to be. You knew what you wanted and you would work to get it. I tried so hard to be like you... and I finally am. I am strong. I work towards my goals. I am proud of who I am. I love who I am. And now I look at you. What happened? All you do is party! Go out with your friends! I thought we were supposed to move forwards in our lives, not backwards.

But regardless. I still miss you. I pray that you have a good life, my friend.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day 13 - A Band That Has Gotten You Through Some Tough Ass Days (Letter)

Dear Band,

Your music has been helpful to me in so many way. I was originally attracted to you because of the lyrics. They rang a bell of truth in my own life. It made me feel like I wasn't alone, like there was reason to go on. I could (and did) listen to your music for hours and hours on end. Whether I listened to a whole CD or just one song over and over, it was my favorite thing to do. I had your songs memorized, every one of them.

And now I am depression free, I can look back at those days and smile. I still listen to your music, not because the words ring true in my life so much, but because I simply love your music. And sometimes I pull out your older stuff and sing along simply because even though it's been years, I still have every word memorized.

So thank you for your help and I hope you continue helping others.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Update On My Goals

So I started doing those two goals a while back - Drink nothing but water for a week, and Eat no fast food or junk food for 30 days.

Well, the water thing was going well. Today would be my last day. But on Friday, we had a surprise birthday party for my brother. And there was NO WAY I was sitting around drinking water while everyone else had pop and/or alcohol. So I drank Pepsi and started my water drinking again on Saturday. So today is day 4 and I'm going strong.

As for the healthy eating - I'm doing very well. I AM eating healthy and haven't had any fast food. I've been cooking more meals and stuff like that. But then I realized - I've been eating junk food. I had about 2 bites of cheese cake at the birthday party. I had about 10 chips when Devon and I were sitting down to play Little Big Planet 2 together (AWESOME GAME BY THE WAY) and yes, I had a little chocolate last night at the Sweet Spa. Am I going to count this goal failed? Not at all. I'm doing amazing. In fact, I've been weighing myself every day since I started (right when I wake up, after I go pee and before I eat anything, the way it's supposed to be done to tell your true weight) and I'm down a couple pounds. Which scares me. I'm not supposed to lose weight. But I AM eating healthier and - now for the most exciting part - I'm ENJOYING it! So let's see where this takes me. I'm not giving in to cravings for this or that or the other thing, but the occasional small desert is fine. Other than that though? Nope, not me! I CAN keep going with this goal, but I'm not going to feel bad over the little things.

Day 12 - Something People Never Seem To Compliment You On

Oh. Well. I guess I did this one as part of the last one. I'm a really nice person, or at least I think I am. I always try to be as nice and helpful as I can. I do my best to refrain from being mean when I'm angry. Regardless, I never get told I'm nice. People just take it for granted that I'm a nice person. Oh well.

Well. That was short. (And as Devon would say, That's what she said.)

Day 11 - Something People Seem To Compliment You The Most On

Umm... the most? I'd like to say that people compliment me on how nice I am and how much I care. Because that's MY favorite thing lol. But I get the most compliments on my artistic skills, I think. I'm not super awesome or anything and not consistent either, but when the mood takes me, I can churn out some pretty nice things. You should see the portrait I did for Ryan and LeeAnn's wedding. BEAUTIFUL. Seriously impressive. I impressed myself. Not even kidding, if you ever get a chance, look at it.


Speaking of compliments though, I got a compliment last night that was my favoritist most fantastic compliment I've ever received. I was at my monthly Mary Kay Sweet Spa (where we do foot spas and have a full chocolate buffet) and a lady who I don't recall ever seeing before started walking towards me. I thought maybe she wanted me to move because I was directly between her and the chocolate, so I shifted to the side a couple steps and she changed course to arrive in front of me. And do you know what she said? "I just have to tell you that I love the little smile that you have on your face. You're just calmly walking around but that little smile on your face is still there. It makes me happy to see it." ISN'T THAT JUST THE MOST AMAZING COMPLIMENT EVER?! I love it! It completely made my night.

And just a couple notes before I go...

1. Favoritist is not a word.
2. I realize that yesterday was my Day 11, but I didn't post this blog yesterday, I posted it today.
3. I think it's kind of cool that my favorite compliment ever came to me on the day I was supposed to be doing the compliment truth day. Awesome.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day 10 - Someone You Need To Let Go Or Wish You Didn't Know

I wish I didn't know Mean Meat Cutter Mike. He swears too much. So does the rest of the meat department but if something upsets him (and there's ALWAYS something upsetting him) he goes on these long rants of just swears. I'm not saying I have the cleanest language out there, but really, there's a point when it gets to be just WAY too much.

And he also thinks that age equals maturity. So if you're younger than him... and I'm pretty sure I'm close to 30 years younger than him... and you tell him he swears too much, he's going to go on a self righteous rampage about how someone "your age" has no business talking to him about etiquette. Needless to say, I know this for a fact, because it happened. And then, the next time I worked on the same day as me - you're going to love this - he suddenly had to go home early. He was working 10-7 and I was working 12-9. I showed up at 12 and he was limping really bad and had to go home. I, by this point, had forgotten all about our little 'spat' and was genuinely concerned that he was in pain. After he left, I was told by everyone that he was perfectly fine until I showed up. HE LEFT WORK BECAUSE I WAS THERE AND HE THINKS SOMEONE MY AGE IS LESS MATURE THAN HIM?! Like really... come on now, grow up.

And he's ALWAYS angry. There's a reason we call him Mean Meat Cutter Mike. He gets angry if there's music playing (and there's always music over the intercom), he gets angry if you whistle or hum or sing, he gets angry if you're in his way or if a customer talks to him or if the hose isn't wrapped properly on it's hook... And I completely forgot what I was saying... oh well. Wish I didn't know him.


Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day 9 - Someone You Didn't Want To Let Go, But Just Drifted

Jamie Nicholson. She was my best friend in the whole world and moved away in like Grade 3. We kept in touch, visiting every summer when she'd come back to visit her dad. But she lived far away... and I wasn't a big phone person. And now she's out in Ottawa or something and she came back for a visit... we kept saying we should get together... but we just... didn't. It's not that it wouldn't have been manageable... we could have made it work. We're both very different people than we were in Grade 3. But still... I miss her.

Day 8 - Someone Who Made Your Life Hell or Treated You Like Shit

Oops. I forgot to do this yesterday. So here it is.


There were a lot of people who treated me bad in school... namely EVERYONE in my class. School sucked. And I'm SO not even going to go into details about that. I, however, treated myself worse than they ever did. I let myself believe that they were right. That I was a loser, a loner, not worth the effort. I let myself believe that my family didn't love me (even though my mind always knew they did, my heart didn't) and that I didn't matter. All of the worst memories I have are times when I didn't believe in myself, when I didn't defend myself against those other mean people. It was like I expected someone else to do it for me. People won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. A lesson well learned.

So yeah... I'm glad I'm not so mean to myself anymore. I hated me. Now I love me. Yay me!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 7 - Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living

Easy. Devon. Mom. Dad. Any of my brothers and sisters. Each of them in their own way but all still vitally important. And most importantly... me. If I wasn't around, then my life wouldn't be worth living because it wouldn't be my life. So... yeah. That's about it for this one.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Multitasker

I'm a multi-tasker. Which apparently isn't a word. Damn you, little red squiggle line. But this post isn't about my multitasking. (Which IS a word. No little red squiggle there.) This post itself is the multitask. Many things in one post... because I don't feel like making separate posts for them.

Reason #1 for this post:
I would like to thank everyone who has been reading and commenting on my posts. This 30 Days of Truth thing has been difficult for me and I'm glad to find that the people I'm close to don't hate me for some of the things I've been saying. I have to say that that was a definite fear of mine. So thank you for taking the time to offer encouraging and non-condemning words to me. I appreciate it.

Reason #2 for this post:
I just want to say how PROUD I am of myself for doing the 30 Days of Truth. I have always tried to be honest with myself but putting that honesty out there for other people to see isn't anywhere near as easy. I am proud of how courageous I have been and love how freeing it is to do this.

Reason #3 for this post:
I'm going to attempt to start work on two of my 101 in 1001 goals today:

18. Drink nothing but water for a week.


19. Go 30 consecutive days without eating any fast food (including pizza) or junk food (candy, chocolate, chips, pop, etc.)

Wish me luck.

And as Devon, Moe, and Stewie would say... "Oh no, Brian! Ooooooooh nooooo! Brian!"

Day 6 - Something You Hope You Never Have To Do

Live without Devon.

Just thinking about it makes me feel lost and start to cry. Really... tearing up already and I haven't even typed a full sentence yet. The only reason I can think of that I would EVER have to live without Devon would be that he died. It's the only way we'd be permanently apart. And I just... don't think I would cope with that very well...

'Nuff Said.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 5 - Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

Everyone has hopes and dreams. What are mine? Some would say they are simple dreams. Easy to accomplish. But while they may seem inevitable because of the current road my life is on, I wouldn't say they're going to be easy.

Once I'm married, I want to have kids. I want to be a good mother to those kids. I want to be a good wife. To have the respect of my children even if that only comes once they're all grown up. I know that I fought with mom when I was younger, but now that we're all older we all realize just how right she was.

So I guess that's it. I hope to become a mother like my mother was. Becoming a mother seems inevitable. But whether or not I can compare to my mother... that's what I'm really hoping for.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Day 4 - Something You Need To Forgive Someone For

Okay so I've thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and... you get the idea.

I don't have anything serious to forgive anyone for. I tried and tried to think of something, but there really isn't anything. So... I started thinking of the less important people in my life. I came up with Edwin.

Edwin used to be my supervisor at Superstore. He was a nice enough guy to talk to. But a horrible supervisor. He actually pulled me away from my work a few times to complain about other employees. Like, what? But the thing I still get upset about when I think about (which I took to indicate needing to forgive him for) was when I was sick one day. Throwing up sick. Not good sick. I called in sick and he told me to come in anyway. When I said I couldn't, he said that the next time I asked for a day off or something that he was say no because I was saying no to him about coming in to work. LIKE OH MY F***ING GOD IF YOU REALLY WANT ME PUKING ON THE STEAKS THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO SELL... GAH! Okay... so he hasn't been forgiven. Maybe one day I'll just forget about it and that shall be his forgiveness. Needless to say I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that he's not my supervisor anymore. He went over to Co-op lol

There Gayle, I finished now, are you happy? You can read it before going to bed :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day 3 - Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

This is a hard one. Not because I can't think of anything. I know exactly what I'm going to say. But putting it out there for others to see. That's the hard part. Even though I only know of two people who read this blog and I know who both of those people are... it's still hard. Thank you Corinne, who started this before me. Thanks for having the courage to put the truth out there for me to see. I will use you as an example and learn from your courage. Here it goes...

I kissed a man.

Sounds pretty simple. Not too bad, and I know several people who would say that "oh that's nothing" but it feels like I'm taking a cheese grater to my heart every time I think of it. It was years ago, while I was still depressed. I was making some bad decisions... SEVERAL bad decisions. I mean - I was depressed, nothing made sense, even the things that made sense didn't make sense... you know? Well... unless you've experienced depression, you don't know. And I don't know whether you have or not. I was definitely dating Devon at the time... and I kissed another man. It was the pivotal point in our relationship when things turned around. "It's always darkest before the dawn." We almost broke up and God didn't like that one bit. He gave me a miracle. Things turned around... LIFE turned around. We have since worked through it. (obviously! check the ring!)

I don't know how long it's going to take me to forgive myself for that. Because I know I was depressed and not thinking clearly... but I'm still the one who did that and I'm the one who hurt Devon so much. I'm the one who has to remember the look on his face... I have nightmares about it sometimes and I wake up crying. No, I still think I'm a far cry from forgiving myself. I do, however, have hope that one day with God's help, I will be able to. That would be nice.

And yes, I know I haven't gone to bed yet, but technically, it IS Sunday so I'm doing today's post now! Take that!

Day 2 - Something You Love About Yourself

First, I would like to congratulate myself for actually coming back to do this today. Go me!

And as for LOVE... I love Devon. I love my family and friends. But what is it that I love about myself? Good question.

I like that I'm artistic. That I'm a good listener and a good friend. But I suppose what I love is that I am not perfect. I'm a work in progress and I know it, so I keep striving to be better. To try new things. I'm willing to attempt the previously unknown, to go out of my comfort zone with the hopes that I will get better, get closer to what God wants me to be. I wasn't always that way and I am so proud of myself that I was able to come as far as I have. God helped me, I know I didn't go it alone.

So yeah... I love that I'm always willing to work on myself rather than being one of those people who expects the world to change for me.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Hmm... what do I hate about myself? At one point, it would have been easy to answer... and I would have had a very long list. But now... hmm...

I HATE how lazy I am. It's like... I know I have things that I need to do and I know that I'll never be able to do the things I want to do if I don't get the things I need to do done first. And yet... I sit on the computer. I play games. I read. I do anything and everything that will prevent me from accomplishing anything.

Hmm... and it only took me a couple minutes to find something. I was expecting it to take me much longer than that.

Well there we go. Day one complete. Fin. The End. Period. Exclamation point. Question mark. Apostrophe. Comma. Ampersand. Dollar sign. Slash. Back slash. Bracket. Semi colon.

30 Days of Truth

So apparently I have no idea how Corinne organized her Blog the way she did so I'm going to just make a separate post for this.

30 Days of Truth

Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 - Something you love about yourself
Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life
Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do
Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why?
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Because Corinne Said So...

Well, Corinne demanded an update and so now that I finally remember what my password is, I figure I'll try. There's no guaranteeing that it will go past this single update, but here it is.

I have been inspired.

This seems like such a simple statement, but it is in fact, SO much bigger than that.

I have been inspired to work on my Mary Kay business. I love the women I have met in it and Monday night is officially my FAVORITE night of the week! I have so much fun spending time with the wonderful people who have also found Mary Kay that it just makes sense to use it as a business. Do I believe I will be instantly successful? No. Do I even believe that I can be successful at all? Well, I believe that I will one day be able to believe. But I know that I can not do it if I don't work on it. And I was looking around at Superstore the other day and realized that there's no way that's what I was meant to be doing. And so I was inspired.

I have been inspired to eat healthier. I know that I do not need to lose weight. But I can't believe that I am a completely healthy person. Even in the short time since Devon, Moe and I moved in with Danielle and Sara I have gotten used to seeing healthier foods around and just... don't want grease. I don't want instant foods or frozen meals... I want real food. Which means cooking. I made my own chicken broth the other day! It didn't turn out as well as I hoped, but it definitely wasn't bad. I just have to quit being so lazy... but still. I have been inspired.

I have been inspired to be more organized. If you could see my room right now, you wouldn't believe me. But, in my defense, I had many more boxes stored in mom's house than I thought I did and it's taking me quite a while to sort through everything. I'll get there though. And then the trick will be to just keep it there. The inspiration continues.

I have been inspired to love more, to be more humble, to do better at showing my faith in God, and to not sweat the small stuff. Yes, this is a big one. Now, you may be wondering why this hasn't come up yet in this post, but I got engaged on the 27th of December, 2010. Devon and I are going to get married on August 4th, 2012. (4/8/12 for those of you who like number patterns) Since getting engaged I have done preliminary wedding planning... basically, figuring out what needs to get planned but not actually planning any of it. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that it just doesn't matter. So what if the flowers aren't exactly what I'm envisioning. So what if the pictures don't turn out as well as I'd like. I love Devon for all that he is. And he loves me for all that I am. Imperfections and all. I am so... blessed in every area of my life. I am not bragging, nor am I trying to make anyone else feel as if their lives aren't as good. I am simply stating what I feel. If you don't like it, don't read my blog. I have a very large amazing family who loves me even when they don't understand me. I have very good friends (who I'm either related to, soon to be related to, or are people I met through Mary Kay). I know that no matter what happens, no matter where I am, I will have someone I can reach out to whether it is because I'm in need of comfort or because I'm so happy I'm going to burst if I don't share. I have so many people to love me, it occurred to me that I may not be doing as good at showing my love for them as I should. And I look around at all of this, the people and opportunities that God has given me... and I realized that God has a plan for me. Even if that plan is only to reach out and touch one person's life, he has a plan. And I am SO humbled by that thought. I nearly had a panic attack when I thought it. "Oh no, what do I do? How do I do it? Oh I hope I do whatever it is that He wants me to do and that I do it as good as He wants me to do it and..." Well God isn't going to just tell me what it is. He has a plan and I must trust in Him. Okay, I can do that. At least I'll try. And after all, that's what it's all about right? Trying to do the best with what we have. And finally, don't sweat the small stuff. This kinda loops back to the beginning with the wedding preparations. It doesn't matter. Focus on love and you'll be okay. I have been inspired to walk with God and to trust in him to pick me up should I fall.

And I have been inspired by first Corinne, and then Gayle to be more honest. Both of them are doing the 30 Days of Truth. And now I will too. Stay tuned for those posts :)

Well Corinne, it may not be what you expected, but what do you think? Is this a good enough update? lol